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Monday, November 14, 2016

I Know I Said I'm Okay...But I'm Not...And Yet I Am

It's almost impossible for me to form coherent thoughts at some moments.  The pain I am I really enduring if I'm just barely surviving is so bad that I am nearly overwhelmed.

Like being in a small boat in a raging storm, the waves crashing over, threatening to send me into the dark deeps. I bury my head in my hands and sob at times, but even that hurts so chest heaves as I am wracked with unrelenting assaults of sharp fiery pain bursting up from my lower back, piercing up into my shoulders and neck. Then the throbbing and radiating lightning surges into my hips and upper legs.

Everyday...every hour...every minute...every second...every eternity, they are the same.

I hate when I whine...everyone has their own burden...I record this here only so that I do not scream it aloud.  I do not seek pity, nor do I pity myself. I simply need a place to say what I feel and not fear saying it.

Many of you know that I, like many people, rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10. This is the way that they have you do it and it's makes sense for most people. I have not had a day below an 8 for longer than I can remember. Most days the pain averages between 8.5 and 9 (that's on pain meds), that's just the way it is and according to the specialists, it will only get worse as the years roll on.

However, pain is relative to the person.  I will be the first to say that just because what I can endure on a daily basis is 'X', it means nothing and makes no difference in what another person can endure in their daily life. It's not about the number, it's about how the person living that number, copes with that number.  I've always striven to manage my pain gracefully and I want to believe I've done so, but it is hard, very hard.  

I need to know I'm not alone, I need to hear...I don't know what to call it...comfort maybe, even that's not quite it.  I think it's more like, "you're not alone", or "I'm here and I'm with you."  What I don't want and don't need is isolation.  

Imagine yourself in a hallway that is gradually getting narrower and narrower.  Then put yourself in a reality where you know you have to walk forward in that hallway, no matter what.  The feeling of dread, knowing there will come a time when those walls are are so tight against you that they threaten to squeeze the life from you want to walk that hallway in isolation, alone with those fears and the knowledge that those walls are coming?  Hell no! Yet that's what I fear...that's what I dread.  

I've seen so many "friends" drift away because they simply do not know how to be a friend to a person who is in constant pain.  They feel helpless to help me, but what they fail re realize is that I do not need them to help fix me...I just need them to care...but hey, everyone has their own overwhelming fight, so I've no corner in that market.  I mean, how can you care about another persons burdens when you yourself are just making it day to day.  That takes love, that takes seeing that other person as worth your time...not an easy task when you feel you've only room for yourself and your struggles.  I understand, don't worry about well and take care of yourself.

As for me, I will strive to continue to care about others more than I care about my own trials.  That's not easy to do, but I've always tried to do so and will continue to do so.  Thank you for letting me vent it's back to work for hallway awaits.

Monday, January 25, 2016


We use them every day, they're everywhere we turn and we take them for granted…doors are everywhere. My life has been filled with doors, some that opened and some that closed. Some doors look like they open, but they are really facades, while other doors are right before us and we never even see them.

These doors are obviously euphemisms for the different challenges and opportunities that face us in our lives…that I have faced in my life. Sometimes I think I've handled those choices well and then at other times, I look back and I wonder if perhaps I made the wrong decisions. Regardless, those choices have been made, those roads have been traveled, and those doors of either good or bad have been used or missed.

Please do not misunderstand me, I still believe that there are many doors yet to be passed through in my life. I have doors that I dream of still opening, doors that I lament never having chosen, and hope for the opportunity to choose them in the future. That said, the doors that I have already gone through I cannot lament because they have brought me to where I am now. 

The simple truth is, I would not be the man that I am today, were it not for the things that have occurred in my life up to this time. Some might say that I might've turned out to be a better person had I chosen certain doors as opposed to the ones I did this I would have to say, perhaps so, but one can't speculate on what one cannot see.

There are times we are given the opportunity, in hindsight, to see what might have been. We encounter people from our past, we see the outcomes of choices made by people that would have been us, had we made that choice at that time. Though chaos would tell us that, what we see, is not always what might have been. However in that same vein, chaos can also tell us that the bad that happened with choosing one door might not have been so, with another door. 

Every action, every decision, every indecision, and every hesitance has its own consequences. Just because I walk through One door and encounter a lion does not then suggest that every door potentially chosen at that time would also leave me confronting the same beast. And the same is true for you!

Had I not chosen to do the things that I did that led to me falling and breaking my back decades ago, I would not have the children that I so dearly love now. Had I not fallen and had taken the one-way trip to New York that I had planned for, unlike find myself sitting here writing something entirely different in a house with an entirely different one and an entirely different life...but I did fall and because of that the door was closed. It was a door closed by someone else,but nonetheless, the door closed.

Now, here I am, 30 years later, and the man that I am, I am happy to be! I'm not saying I do not have regrets, I'm not saying that I do not have fears, I am not saying that I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but what I am saying is that I have come through the doors that have lead me to now and I choose to be happy, because this where I am.

What doors will I find in the fall and winter of my life? I have absolutely no idea. I have hopes, still...I have dreams, still...and I believe in the, "one day", that might someday come my way. However those are unknowns and sometimes those doors cannot be opened alone, so until then, I must wait enjoy the life I have before me and make the most of what I have and then we will see.

Maybe I'll see you at the door someday…or maybe I won't...that's YOUR door to deal with.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

The Fight Goes On

Well today is a better day.

If I were to say that I never have down days, meaning days where I feel sad and depressed by the pain and feeling like there's no hope and no future, no good out there for me…well, that would be a bald face lie. Now as you can plainly see, I do not have a bald face, so that's just not an option for me. ;-)

What I can say is this, down days/negative days are such a rarity for me that it feels like being in a strange place with no points of reference and no ability to tell up from down, right from left, and that's a scary place.

Add to that the fact that yesterday I was feeling quite sick and that became the perfect storm for me. Now, I want to be really, really negative days have never turned me towards self-destructive thoughts, only to despair, emptiness, and the feeling of hopelessness…which is so much better, of course.

Now I know that some of you are frowning thinking, "how can you joke about something like that", and when the day comes that you can walk a mile in my shoes I will welcome your criticism, but you know what…I have to laugh at it sometimes...I have to find humor in my dilemma or it will overwhelm me completely. I know it's not an easy thing to grasp, but that's OK because I'd rather you never, ever have to wrestle with what I wrestle with on a daily basis.

All that said, I know that in comparison to what some people in this world go through, my issues are trivial if not laughable in their perspective and you know what, I respect the hell out of those people for what they deal with and deal with with a smile on their faces. However I think they, as well, would tell you that those smiles do not come without paying the price of knowing the other extreme.

My dad used to say, " cannot have a one ended stick...", meaning to say you cannot have a right without a left, an up without a down, and a good without a bad. If you want to be able to revel in the good days you have to be able to wrestle with the bad days. I love my life! Pain is just pain in his long as I can remember that thin no matter what happens, no matter how hard things get, I'll still be able to smile and find the Silverlining with every dark cloud.

Many of you have sent your wishes of well-being, positive thoughts, and encouragement…I want you to know that those are greatly appreciated and I notice every single one. Though I am no longer the religious man that I was at one point in my life, I do know that there are many examples for our benefit that show that one man can never stand alone. That there should and will always be a need for those beside him or her, to lift up their arms to give them support so that they can make it through whatever it is that they face.

I'm not a quitter and I will never stop fighting!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Lynndora's Box

Typically I love mornings, but there are times the mornings are not my best time. 

I find that in the mornings that I wake up and my pain level is extremely high (like it is this morning), I have a very difficult time getting the monster back inside the box, so to speak.

They say that having a good cry sometimes can be very therapeutic, well I guess that can be true, but it's hard for me. I don't want to bring down those near me… I don't want to be a burden when I know there's plenty of burdens to go around.

I think I do a damn good job of managing my pain and not letting it manifests itself in my behavior towards others. However when I wake up like I did today, my defenses are down and I feel so alone, hopeless. I have a difficult time seeing any light at the end of any tunnel.

Fortunately for me those moments are very very transient and I am able to realize, to rationalize, that there is always hope and I'm never really alone in the struggle that I face daily. I know that this pain I endure, barring some breakthrough in neural science, will always be with me and in fact will (and has, as the physicians foretold in NYC) only get worse as I get older.

Sooooo, as I move through this life, I must stay positive, keep myself optimistic and always look for the 'Silver Linings' of life. For the darkness, dispair, and minions of hopelessness are never far from me and should I stop swimming against their current, I will be swept out to sea  with no hope of rescue. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

I Am A Liar...

I hate to admit that this is often true...why? Because 8 out of 11 people truly do not understand. Some do.

But I must be permitted this one lie.

It would be unfair, for the burden is mine to bear and I will never wish it on labor for the next breath through the crushing pain that envelopes like a vice...who would wish to share in that?

Sometimes I wish it done.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Obviously I'm The Only One Who's Hungry

I love bacon and eggs! I love them so much, I can eat them every single day. I could eat them in the morning, at lunch, and dinner… Literally I could eat them all the time. Is this because I am obsessive? Is this because I'm compulsive? Or is it because, I just love bacon and eggs? Well, I guess the answer is yes! Or rather, I should say, yes maybe.

See, what I mean by that is this, I can be compulsive (if the right conditions are there) and I have been know to obsess about things that I love, but in this case it's really just because I love bacon and egg's. Now of course bacon and eggs here is just a euphemism. You see, when I love something, I don't want it to be there once a month, or periodically, or sometimes…no, I don't want it to be there once a week just to check in…I wanted to be there always. 

And maybe that's my problem.

All I know for certain is this, when it is only there once a month, or periodically, or just sometimes, then to me, I have to wonder, if it's really there at all.

So if you only want to have bacon and eggs monthly, periodically, sometimes, or once a week, then let's not even try to mess around with that. Because in the end, what you want and what I want are just not the same and if neither of us can see a way for that to be different, then I guess our breakfast was never meant to be eaten.

Man, now I'm hungry again...I wonder if I have any eggs?

Saturday, February 21, 2015

It's 4:00AM

Up since 4:00am...

Strangest  time for many many much sensory little capability to filter it all. For the gifted man, a time of inspiration...for the regretful man, a time to wallow in the actions and inactions of his past...for the mournful man, a time of despair and to weep the tears of sadness for things lost, both real and imagined.

Life is full of so many potentials. Our paths through this life, were they to be laid out before us at any given time, would be in appearance as the roots of a massive Banyan tree. Each root a possibility...a choice made, with both rewards and consequences attributed to each.

We may never know what path, what choice, what root is better than another, so we do our best...we choose our best choice, well, what we think is the best at that moment. Typically, we would never know what those other potentials may have had in store for us had we chosen them, but sometimes, in those special sometimes that come our way via the paths chosen by others, we get a glimpse of what could have been as they overlap into our current path.

W. H. Auden, may he rest in peace...was like many of his time and originally thought to pursue the 'physical sciences' at university. However he made a course change that led him to become a poet, a decision we reap the benefits from. Some of the thoughts he shared over his life, still ring true today.

"Most people call something profound, not because it is near some important truth, but because it is distant from ordinary life. Thus, darkness is profound to the eye, silence to the ear; what-is-not is the profundity of what-is."