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Thursday, October 15, 2015

The Fight Goes On

Well today is a better day.

If I were to say that I never have down days, meaning days where I feel sad and depressed by the pain and feeling like there's no hope and no future, no good out there for me…well, that would be a bald face lie. Now as you can plainly see, I do not have a bald face, so that's just not an option for me. ;-)

What I can say is this, down days/negative days are such a rarity for me that it feels like being in a strange place with no points of reference and no ability to tell up from down, right from left, and that's a scary place.

Add to that the fact that yesterday I was feeling quite sick and that became the perfect storm for me. Now, I want to be really, really negative days have never turned me towards self-destructive thoughts, only to despair, emptiness, and the feeling of hopelessness…which is so much better, of course.

Now I know that some of you are frowning thinking, "how can you joke about something like that", and when the day comes that you can walk a mile in my shoes I will welcome your criticism, but you know what…I have to laugh at it sometimes...I have to find humor in my dilemma or it will overwhelm me completely. I know it's not an easy thing to grasp, but that's OK because I'd rather you never, ever have to wrestle with what I wrestle with on a daily basis.

All that said, I know that in comparison to what some people in this world go through, my issues are trivial if not laughable in their perspective and you know what, I respect the hell out of those people for what they deal with and deal with with a smile on their faces. However I think they, as well, would tell you that those smiles do not come without paying the price of knowing the other extreme.

My dad used to say, " cannot have a one ended stick...", meaning to say you cannot have a right without a left, an up without a down, and a good without a bad. If you want to be able to revel in the good days you have to be able to wrestle with the bad days. I love my life! Pain is just pain in his long as I can remember that thin no matter what happens, no matter how hard things get, I'll still be able to smile and find the Silverlining with every dark cloud.

Many of you have sent your wishes of well-being, positive thoughts, and encouragement…I want you to know that those are greatly appreciated and I notice every single one. Though I am no longer the religious man that I was at one point in my life, I do know that there are many examples for our benefit that show that one man can never stand alone. That there should and will always be a need for those beside him or her, to lift up their arms to give them support so that they can make it through whatever it is that they face.

I'm not a quitter and I will never stop fighting!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Lynndora's Box

Typically I love mornings, but there are times the mornings are not my best time. 

I find that in the mornings that I wake up and my pain level is extremely high (like it is this morning), I have a very difficult time getting the monster back inside the box, so to speak.

They say that having a good cry sometimes can be very therapeutic, well I guess that can be true, but it's hard for me. I don't want to bring down those near me… I don't want to be a burden when I know there's plenty of burdens to go around.

I think I do a damn good job of managing my pain and not letting it manifests itself in my behavior towards others. However when I wake up like I did today, my defenses are down and I feel so alone, hopeless. I have a difficult time seeing any light at the end of any tunnel.

Fortunately for me those moments are very very transient and I am able to realize, to rationalize, that there is always hope and I'm never really alone in the struggle that I face daily. I know that this pain I endure, barring some breakthrough in neural science, will always be with me and in fact will (and has, as the physicians foretold in NYC) only get worse as I get older.

Sooooo, as I move through this life, I must stay positive, keep myself optimistic and always look for the 'Silver Linings' of life. For the darkness, dispair, and minions of hopelessness are never far from me and should I stop swimming against their current, I will be swept out to sea  with no hope of rescue. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

I Am A Liar...

I hate to admit that this is often true...why? Because 8 out of 11 people truly do not understand. Some do.

But I must be permitted this one lie.

It would be unfair, for the burden is mine to bear and I will never wish it on labor for the next breath through the crushing pain that envelopes like a vice...who would wish to share in that?

Sometimes I wish it done.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Obviously I'm The Only One Who's Hungry

I love bacon and eggs! I love them so much, I can eat them every single day. I could eat them in the morning, at lunch, and dinner… Literally I could eat them all the time. Is this because I am obsessive? Is this because I'm compulsive? Or is it because, I just love bacon and eggs? Well, I guess the answer is yes! Or rather, I should say, yes maybe.

See, what I mean by that is this, I can be compulsive (if the right conditions are there) and I have been know to obsess about things that I love, but in this case it's really just because I love bacon and egg's. Now of course bacon and eggs here is just a euphemism. You see, when I love something, I don't want it to be there once a month, or periodically, or sometimes…no, I don't want it to be there once a week just to check in…I wanted to be there always. 

And maybe that's my problem.

All I know for certain is this, when it is only there once a month, or periodically, or just sometimes, then to me, I have to wonder, if it's really there at all.

So if you only want to have bacon and eggs monthly, periodically, sometimes, or once a week, then let's not even try to mess around with that. Because in the end, what you want and what I want are just not the same and if neither of us can see a way for that to be different, then I guess our breakfast was never meant to be eaten.

Man, now I'm hungry again...I wonder if I have any eggs?

Saturday, February 21, 2015

It's 4:00AM

Up since 4:00am...

Strangest  time for many many much sensory little capability to filter it all. For the gifted man, a time of inspiration...for the regretful man, a time to wallow in the actions and inactions of his past...for the mournful man, a time of despair and to weep the tears of sadness for things lost, both real and imagined.

Life is full of so many potentials. Our paths through this life, were they to be laid out before us at any given time, would be in appearance as the roots of a massive Banyan tree. Each root a possibility...a choice made, with both rewards and consequences attributed to each.

We may never know what path, what choice, what root is better than another, so we do our best...we choose our best choice, well, what we think is the best at that moment. Typically, we would never know what those other potentials may have had in store for us had we chosen them, but sometimes, in those special sometimes that come our way via the paths chosen by others, we get a glimpse of what could have been as they overlap into our current path.

W. H. Auden, may he rest in peace...was like many of his time and originally thought to pursue the 'physical sciences' at university. However he made a course change that led him to become a poet, a decision we reap the benefits from. Some of the thoughts he shared over his life, still ring true today.

"Most people call something profound, not because it is near some important truth, but because it is distant from ordinary life. Thus, darkness is profound to the eye, silence to the ear; what-is-not is the profundity of what-is."

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

A Life With Purpose Is A Life Well Lived...

...but remember, never let the world determine the validity of your purpose...

Personally, I thought it was great!

Carry on, my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say

Carry on, my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say

Carry on, my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

Carry on, my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)

Sunday, October 26, 2014