Some Days Just Have To Be Dark

I don’t know if it is because of all the rain, or if it is because of the low hanging clouds, or if it is because of the extraordinarily high pain index over that last few days, or perhaps all of the above…but today has been a dark, dark day.

I hate dark days!  They are my Moriarty, my Moby Dick, my Gilgamesh (yes that would make me Enkidu, but I don’t mind being the man/beast. They have all the fun!)  They are my nemesis and I hate them with every fiber of my being.  Sometimes, there isn’t a silver lining…sometimes it is just a dark day.

So what’s to be done on day such as this.  I still have my meager humor…I have to watch it with the kids because I get angry 1,000 times more easily on days like today.  I already had to apologize and spit my son’s head out and paste it back on for no real good reason.  Then I get mad at myself for being such a jerk…

There is a light…somewhere…just can’t be bothered to look for it right now.  I really am wanting to put a nice happy spin on this here, but honestly, I am just not there.

Time to grab the iPod, run a hot bath, and pray for sleep.

I Am Not Chuck Norris…Yet!

I have a bit of an imagination. Ok, maybe a lot more than a bit, but the point is, I can imagine things very well. This can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing as well.

As a child, at least the parts of my childhood that I can remember, I was never bored. I could imagine myself to be most anything I wanted to. I have been many things in my imaginary life, Man from U.N.C.L.E. (well actually his sidekick), Captain Scarlet, Clutch Cargo, Johnny Quest, the list goes on and on.

I guess in some ways it is just a way of expressing your dreams for yourself and perhaps a way of identifying how you wish people could see you. I am a bit limited in that I only remember fragments of my childhood for reasons that I cannot get into, but those I do remember are, well they are what they are.

Then we get older and typically our imaginations atrophy a bit. We get more and more caught up in the “urgent”, the “important”, the “real” and we lose our ability to see ourselves in a different way. We begin to accept that we are what we are and curse the thought of ever pushing past the barrier of “what we are” to try and see the possibilities of what we can still become.

On the down side, having a very active imagination can lead you to make leaps of conclusions that have gaps the size of the Grand Canyon. Of course to you there is no gap, you have made a bridge! There is a free flow of traffic from one side of that mighty canyon to the other, because in your mind, there is a bridge! The problem is that the bridge is only in YOUR mind and as much as you wish and want for there to be two way traffic…it really is only one way and even that traffic is doomed to simply fall to the canyon floor.

What is the canyon in this monologue? What am I euphemistically droning on about? Hmmm, I don’t know, how about you use your imagination and figure it out for yourself?

Truth is, we all have areas where we see what we want to see. Is this a bad thing? Is it fated to be as the Canyon illustration above describes? Is there no possible future where what we see and hope for can become reality?

Only if we stop believing that we might, somehow, someway, through patience and, dare I say it, imagination, persevere and pursue those “possibilities”.

Will we have to endure through the “reality” of what is, so as to obtain what can be? Absolutely! But since when has obtaining our dreams ever been easy? Anything worth hoping for is worth working for, no matter how long it takes. Ten, twenty, or even twenty five years is nothing when you believe in the eventual outcome. As a friend of mine once said, “If you want a squash it only takes 30 days, but if you want an oak tree, it will take 30 years.”

We also have to be willing to face the diatribe of those who have lost the ability to imagine what they not able to obtain. That can be difficult, but as a good friend of mine recently shared with me, sometimes the best way to handle those potential ‘Ping-Pong’ conversations is to simply let the ball go off the end of the table. If we do not hit it back then the conversation comes to an end.

So, don’t quit! Keep imagining, keep dreaming, and keep working to make those things a reality. If you are having a hard time imagining, then borrow some from a friend, it’s kind a like yeast…if you can get a little into ya, you will be surprised how quick it can bring yours back to life.

Dribble concluded…carry on, nothing to see here…unless you imagine!

So Many Thoughts…So Many Directions

My mind is racing…happens a lot lately. Perhaps it is the time of the year, or perhaps because of the number of things that have happened over the last few years around this time of year, or maybe it is because of the things happening in my life right now…who know, but the fact remains…many, many thoughts.

Now, the real question…write them down or not? I often write my thoughts out here and at times it has gotten me pummeled (I mean that in the best possible way) by many friends and family. Stream of consciousness can be good but sometimes…well sometimes you begin to wonder if perhaps that flow is causing too much erosion.

What to do? Reminds me of a “punnish” story I heard, “Two fish are swimming along and the run into a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other and says, ‘Dam’…” But I cannot do that to my thoughts, if I did I think I would explode!

Words, words words…they are just words, but they have the power to do so many things. They cheer us, they jeer us, they stir us, and they hurt us.

As for me, I really thrive on feeling like I am wanted or needed. May sound lame, but it is how I tick. Words let me know where I stand. Take work for example. If I felt like I was not making a difference…like I was not really needed or wanted there, I would have a hard time giving myself to that job. Lucky for me I have a boss who is great about giving you an “at a boy” when you do well and a suitable “boot to the bottom” when you don’t. They are only words, but they make the difference. Same is true in relationships. The right word or words at the right time tell you that, no matter what the cost or the obstacles, it is worth staying in the battle. Conversely, when those words are missing or replaced by words of hate or words of apathy, they can destroy.

It is also not about just getting the words we want to hear either. Sometimes the most useful words come to us from those who are willing to tell us the things that are true…even when they are painful.

I am grateful for all the people in my life that encourage me, love me, speak the truth to me, even when I do not want to hear it.

Excuse Me, But Your Serotonin Is Overflowing…

“Happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy, joy…”, ok so now you know, I am a Ren & Stimpy fan…but hey, if the shoe fits, find the other one because just one shoe is worthless!

As I have said before, I like being happy.  Fact is I am happy 90% of the time!  “Ignorance is bliss, Lynn!”, yeah, I have heard that one, but sorry to disappoint you, this little SLF is not giving up that easy.  SLF?  Silver lining finder!

Did you know that your brain makes more than 50 identifiable “active” drugs” Now, some are associated with memory, others are connected with intelligence, and still others are sedatives. Take for example, endorphins.  These little puppies are the brain's painkiller, and they are 3 times more potent than morphine.  Who needs a meth-lab…use your brain!

Scientist doing research over the last several decades have led us to the cutting-edge discovery of opiate-like chemicals in the body that associate with opiate specific receptors in the brain and spinal cord. One of these is Serotonin, a hormone manufactured by…wait for it…your brain!

So what is Serotonin? Simply put, it is a neurotransmitter involved in the transmission of nerve impulses. It is created in your body using the amino acid tryptophan. There are many excellent sources of tryptophan, with turkey being the most well known source. Other foods high in tryptophan include: chicken, beef, brown rice, nuts, fish, milk, eggs, cheese, fruit, and vegetables. Wow, what a coincidence…foods L² loves!!

Additionally, using foods that contain more carbohydrates is a better way to increase your tryptophan absorption and aid in the production of serotonin.  Why is this important?  Because increasing your tryptophan levels is not as easy as just eating more foods high in tryptophan.

There is a constant battle for supremacy going on in you body. Tryptophan is constantly struggling with other amino acids such as tyrosine, methionine, histidine, and leucine to access the brain.  Eating a high protein diet increases the blood levels of these amino acids and results in an actual decrease in tryptophan.

Serotonin is a chemical that helps maintain a "happy feeling"!  Research also suggests that it seems to help keep our moods under control by helping with sleep, calming anxiety, and relieving depression.

If my kids were reading this right now they would say something like, “Dad, you are making our heads explode with science” [queue Bill Nye theme song music] But hey, you gotta find some way to use up all those extra neurons up there!

Anyway, or as one of my good friends would say, “whatever…”, all this is just to say, maybe I am a bit on the happy side most of the time.  And maybe it is because Serotonin and me are good buds…but that doesn’t mean I am never sad.  Just ask my wife, she will tell you, I have my down moments as well.  But I am sort of like a Superball® (hmmm…now I wonder what THEY are really made of), the harder you throw it down, the higher it’s going to bounce.

I don’t like being down and I will tell you that I will be the first to find some way to rebound as quickly as I can.

This time of the year is a special time.  Family and friends, near and far, enjoying time together and even time apart in some ways…but the key is that we are enjoying the days we have.  Life is too short to dwell on the down side, the shadows, the dark areas.  That doesn’t mean we pretend they are not there, we just have to bone up on our ability to find the bright spot, the silver lining so to speak.  Then perhaps, you are on your way back up.

Now, to all of you who manage to find the time to waste reading this dribble, I have this to say, Happy Thanksgiving!!  Hope it is a great one!

-- L²

Walk Yourself Into A Little Light…

I have grown to really love my daily-ish walks around my neighborhood. [those who know me on Facebook can likely hear the Jaws theme already:) ] I don’t always make it the same distance and lord knows with as much pain as I am in daily I do not move fast (see Monday, July 6, 2009), but one thing never changes…when I walk I come back a brighter man.

November has been a tough month so far…my wife has formally asked that I be ‘better’ by Christmas :) … I told her I would see what I could do. This time of introspection has made me remember a lot of things and recognize a lot of things for the first time. None of them easy things, but all of them things that I know in the long run will make me a better person, a better father, a better lover of people, a more complete giver and a better receiver. I am reminded of a few lines from a favorite song:

“But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn't take one more step.”

Now I don’t deliver papers and it’s November, but the feeling is the same.

But through all this there has been my friends, my family, and my walking. Sometimes the friends and the family have been part of the reason I needed the walking. =) But regardless, I am thankful that I am able to do this little thing, that makes such a big difference in my day.

As I have said before, I am not out of the woods as far as getting real about and with myself and my past and my future, but at least when I walk, I bring a little bit of that “light at the end of the tunnel” back with me. And that really helps when, to keep going, you need a ray of light to remind you that it is worth it. Sometimes that ray of light is a hug from one of my kiddos, sometimes its a kind word from someone close to me, but I can know, that every time I can get out and walk, I am coming back a little bit brighter than when I left.

Thanks again to all of you who have been cheering me on!

When Looking Deep Within…

I am on a journey, I would be be tempted to say, “We are all on a journey…”, but I don’t know if that is really true or not.  But I am on a journey…a journey that is very hard to travel, very uncomfortable to engage in, and quite frankly one that I, by my very nature, have resisted doing.

I am a very gregarious guy typically. I love to be happy, I love to laugh and smile and enjoy life and those in my life. For me, emotions are all about color…white –> yellow, they are on the upper end of the scale and I equate them to most of the cheerful and “Up” things in life.  It’s not a linear scale and it branches so there is not a straight line between one end and the other and to make it even more fun, the endpoints can change if I change. So I am a typically happy guy and I like being in the white and yellow range with most everything in my life, but sometimes there are things that make you have to go where the colors are not so bright, not so cheerful.

Lately, I have been looking inward a bit more than I usually do…some of you have picked up on this. :)  I have received emails, FB mails, texts, and phone calls and all of them basically are, “Hey, are you alright?!”  And I really do appreciate all of my friends and how quickly they were to rise to meet the need, even when the need is just to find out if there is a need.  Awesome friends, near and far, south, west, and north.

Looking inside is a scary thing to do and it can be extremely disturbing.  Reality is a great thing to "aspire” for, but we rarely are prepared for all of what we find when we open that door.  It is only then that you are confronted with the ‘real’ things in your life.  How you really feel about where you are, what you are doing, who you are close to, how you have done (as a parent, a spouse, a lover, a friend, <fill_in_your_thing_here>). This exposes us to the possibility, remote as it may see to us, that maybe we are not, “All that…” and that can be a rude awakening.

A lot of who we are and who others are to us starts in our heads and hearts…we choose to see a person the way we do…and we should be incredibly thankful for that.  How else can we ever hope for another person to see past our obvious flaws?  If you wish only for a person to see the “real” you, then buckle down, grab some Snickers bars, cause you may be in a for a long wait.  I believe we are given the grace of others seeing in us things that we do not yet see in ourselves.  And the blessing of being able to see past shortcoming in others.

Now, just to be clear, I am not saying that we put the blinders on and pretend that aspects we do not like about ourselves or others in our lives are not an issue. But I am saying that there is a threshold in these things that when something about ourselves or another person falls below that threshold, we choose to ignore it or make a decision that it is not of sufficient value to deter us from that relationship.

For me, sometimes seeing the ‘reality’ of myself can make me literally sick to my stomach.  I think, “how did I let it get this way?” or “How in the world did I miss that?”  It’s funny, but I know for me I tend to mask over things a bit.  Recently a very good friend asked me a question and when I answered with a “pat” answer they came right back at me and said, “Really?  Is that what you really think/feel?”  That made me pause and do a bit more of that looking within.  I then asked why they asked the second time and the reply truly brought it to light.  They replied by saying that I always seems to be “ok” with just about everything and that I didn’t seem to share the same frustrations and irritations that the rest of mankind did.  At first I was ready to get mad about this finger being jabbed in my chest, but I stopped and thought on it for a while and you know, they were right.

So I asked further, “What made you think that I was holding back?” and the answer started making a lot of things come more clear, they said, “well you sound as though you are bothered or irritated or that there is something that you are holding back on. Even though the words are words of there being no issues.”  It was then that it dawned on me, I do this all the time, I just never saw it as being disingenuous.  When you live in constant searing pain 24/7 you have to compartmentalize your pain, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not there.  But in many ways you have to try and function as if it is not there…this is what creates the perception that maybe you are not being completely honest.  But it is a mechanism that I use so that I can get along with everyone else.  Lets face it, how long do you like to hang out with people who have a constant story of how bad things are for them. The bad side of that is it tends to become a way of dealing with anything that is uncomfortable or makes you unhappy or whatever.

That is the quicksand.  It becomes so easy to just put it in a box, shove it on a shelf and label it, “Open when you have time”.  But there is never time to deal with those kinds of things when you can simply shelve them.  Well, that works well until the shelves are too full and then somebody says or does something or something happens in your life that just won’t fit on the shelf.  Suddenly you realize you have boxes and boxes of stuff that is stuffed on those shelves.  Some that are so old that when you open them the only thing left in them is the fear or rage or sadness that was there when you stuffed it in the box.  The substance is gone…only the emotions are left and those are the most devastating boxes  that you have to open.  Too late to say your are sorry, or mad, or shocked or that you don’t understand why this or that has done to you or happened to you because the person that could answer that is gone.  So you have to deal with all that emotion…alone.  Now that is the definition of being overwhelmed.

I would love to say that there is alight at the end of that tunnel, a cool breeze waiting after dealing with the hell of all that…but I am not there yet, so I can’t say for sure…but I have my friends, my family, my faith…so I can “know” that there is a light, a breeze, hope…even if I can’t see them yet.

Time to open another box…just wish there weren’t so damn many of them left…

They Are The Words

It rarely matters how you say them, the words are never going to sound “right” no matter how you might wrap them up or dress them up. They have a ring of foreboding to them and they tend to make the room seem darker, even with the midday sun blazing. When spoken the air becomes colder and your every breath is seen in wisps of moisture setting in the heaviness that surrounds you. No it doesn’t matter how you say them or where you say them or even when you say them, they are words that bring a sense of doom…

They are not words that can be trivialized or made to seem less than what they are.  They will always bring you to your knees and send a cold flush though your inner being.  They are words that make you sweat when the room is raked with frost. They are words that chill your bones when the air wavers with heat.  They cannot be ignored and they cannot be shied from, they demand your every thought and press you to the wall.

What are these words that weigh so greatly upon our very souls? From where did they come and to where can we escape them? How can we bear up under them, or survive the holocaust they bring upon our hearts?

They are the words…you know what they are…you heard them as you read these words and felt them as you saw them shown.  No one can tell you what they are, but you know them and face them even now.

But there is light after the words, there is warmth that follows their chill.  There is peace that calms after their havoc and comfort that follows their terror. Where is this light, this warmth, this peace and comfort? It is found in those who we call friends.

A friends words bring the warmth of the sun. They comfort like a cozy blanket on a cold winters day. They are a beacon is a mist filled night, guiding us past those words that filled us with dread.  They are a tall warm bed that gives us peace and holds us close.

They are the words…but will we listen…will we hear…will we be the friend when a friend is needed.

I will…