It Is But A Word...

It is but a word...and yet it means more the all the books of  the world.  People live for it, some have died for it.  Many dream of it and those lucky enough get to experience it.  It's utterance can move the greatest of mountains, cross the vastest sea, make the weak strong, and the strong as though invincible.

It is but a word...but has the power of a screaming freight train.  It can caress with the gentleness of a feather, or crush with the force of a sledge hammer.  When spoken, it lights the room in shimmering hues, when thought of, it brings light to the heart.

Oh, how I hunger for the sustenance of it's feast, to drink deep the wine of it meaning and be intoxicated by the one from whom it flows.  To bask in the sunshine of it's radiance, so warmed by it's truth that I'm at peace to my core.

But when it is gone, oh how sharp is that blade!  Cutting and slicing with such unconcerned strokes.  A hunger never satisfied, for once tasted all pale in compare, and thirst, like the dust of the desert, cakes the once thrumming heart.

Love...it is but a word...

Disappearing Act...

For those of you who follow this blog and are also my 'friend' on Facebook, you may have noticed my absence...as in, "hey, where did Lynn go...did he un-friend me?" absence.  The answer is, no, I did not un-friend you, I deactivated my account for a while as I attempt to deal with some internal Lynn issues.  Hence some of the posts of late here.

I use this blog as a way of sounding out where I am and what I am feeling and it helps me to find perspective as well as a vent.  For those of you who have replied to me privately expressing your concern and camaraderie, I thank you and appreciate you greatly.  For those of you who are now saying to yourself, "You aren't on Facebook? I didn't notice..." Rest assured, I noticed.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled activities...

We Are The Ones Laying The Track...

Recently I shared some thoughts with a person who I have counted as a friend.  I say that in the way I said it because it is what it is and if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and leaves you down, then it's a duck!  Anyway, I digress...so I shared some thoughts and I expressed that in some aspects of my life I thought that perhaps I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  Their response was that of the proverbial warning, "...it might be the light of an oncoming train...", to which I replied that sometimes trains can take you to good places too.

I have thought a lot about this in recent days.  See, I have been feeling a bit down of late.  Partly because my pain level has for some reason, been off the scale, partly because of other things  in my life, and partly because of recent events where I have lost a friend and felt equal parts powerless to have stopped it and wondering if there was anything I should have done that might have prevented it. Regardless of the of the 'would of, could of, should of' factors, I have been quite sad...not depressed...but perhaps discouraged is a better description. Discouraged from within and also from without.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah...trains...light...tunnels...thoughts...so it struck me interesting that today, the birthday of  one Oliver Wendell Holmes, I should be assuaged (in both meanings of the word) by some of his sage wisdom.  To list but a few:

 "Consciously or unconsciously we all strive to make the kind of a world we like."

"The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions."

"It's faith in something and enthusiasm for something that makes life worth living."

Each of these struck a chord within me and set me to thinking again about the oncoming train analogy, but with the added thought that, even if there is an "oncoming train", are we not the ones laying the track that determines where and how said train will impact our lives?

Ok, granted, there are always going to be events and issues that are beyond our control. That said, I think that way too often we make decisions and choices that set our lives on a particular course, then we turn around, look at the aftermath of those decisions and choices and blame it on some uncontrollable engine of fate.  True, we cannot change the past, but we can change the course of our future.

Yes, we do have to live 'one day at a time', but if in that day by day life we lay tracks away from a possible destination, do we really have anyone to blame for the end result but ourselves?  All I can do is all I can do, but what you do is on you.  So, I will continue to feel what I feel and think what I think and want what I want with the hopes that my train will arrive at the station of my dreams.  If I end up there alone, then at least I will have arrived there by choice and not by the lack thereof.

What "world" are you striving for? What "exceptions" are you willing to make? What makes your life "worth living"? Great questions...but remember, we are the ones laying track, so let's go together.

The Abyss...

I know it is nothing unique or new...in fact I am sure that most of us experience it more often in our lives than we care to recount, but sometimes it seems so unique and so intense as to make one think it is a new and undiscovered emotion.

It is so intense than your chest aches and it feels as if every fiber of your body it drawn tight at once.  As if
to pull you into a ball so small that perhaps you would evade it's waves of invasion.  Your hands seek some kind of comfort...something, someone...to make it lessen the oppressiveness of it's deadening blanket.

To call it sadness would be like calling the ocean a wet spot on the world...it goes so far beyond mere sadness...it is a sorrow so deep that it threatens to devour you from the very core of your being.  It seems so dark, yet it is not malevolent...it simply is what it is...an emotion that needs.

It comes from missing what you cannot have...from having what you do not want...from the seeing that you have failed and because of that, others have been let down...from the realization of chances missed and roads stretching behind that could have been. If I pretend it is not there, I merely enrage it so as to make the cloud a thunderstorm. It has to be faced, embraced, acknowledged and expressed, otherwise it will kill from the inside out.

If only tears were enough...

On The Porch With The Pup...

I love mornings like this morning! Cool, crisp, and vibrant...not that it started that way.  No, it started warm and snuggled in my bed, dreaming about things I love to dream about...then comes the [poke poke]  in the back...and the sounds of paws pushing at the crate door. Then I hear the voice attached to the [pokes] saying, "I think she needs to go out..."

Now, just being honest, my first thought was....well, I can't say what they were but suffice to say I was less than excited about getting up at that point.  Hindsight though, I am glad I did.

Snickers and I went out, the sun just coming up over the rooftops to the east, and after she completed her "business" we sat on the porch and just relaxed...me with my coffee, her with her ever present curiosity.

Beautiful!

I Have Held The Rose

In life's garden where flowers abound,
Where the scent of that bouquet brings fragrant light,
There grows a flower that defies compare.

It's downy petals, so beautiful and full,
Soft to the hand, yet firm to the lips,
Destined to be cherished and deserving of love.

The breath of it's aroma, so rich and alluring,
Is to be nestled in a blanket of velvety warmth.
Feel it's comfort and be wrapped in it's beauty everlasting.

I have held the rose...for this, I am forever grateful.

I Lost A Friend...

It is so hard to process...like trying to solve a critical equation without all the variables...I keep thinking there must be some answer...something that will make it make sense, but none is there...

How can I make sense of this? How can I make it fit into a box that I can deal with? But the truth is, when this happens to someone you know, there is no fitting it into a box or any way of truly grasping what they thought or felt or valued...it is the open wound that refuses to heal, the pain that can not be managed, the hurting scream that cannot be squelched.

I have lost a friend, or was it I who got lost and forgot to be your friend? A wise man told me, "Never underestimate the impact of a caring friend and the words they may speak." I didn't know how much pain you were in my friend...I didn't see where you were and how it was hurting you. There is a part of me that wonders if I could have done more...I am filled with such overwhelming sadness and it has no vent.

You will be missed...you will be morned...you will be thought of...you will be cried over...but most of all you will be remembered. Not for the events that were the end of your life, but for the person who was kind, gentle, caring, giving, mentoring, loving, passionate, determined, brilliant, and, most of all, a friend.

To say that I have been impacted by this is an understatement of epic proportions. I could never and would never be so presumptuous as to propose that I understand what was behind the action you felt you must take. I understand what it is to feel trapped and feel like there is no way out. I even know how it feels to believe you may have found the way out only to have the door shut in my face...the sadness and the dispare that comes from dreams shattered and hopes reduced to resignation.

I know how hard it has been for me to endure since then. To wear the face of optimism even as dispare screams it's primal rage from within. I know what it is to endure the constant barrage of pain and gut wrenching agony of physical distress, while wanting to still be a help to others.

I also know the loss, that overwhelming sense of aloneness, when those who you call friends fade from your life and leave you behind...but none of these helped me help you.

...I've lost a friend...farewell Bryan.