Saturday, September 27, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
Saturday, November 30, 2013
And so I am locked in the throws of battle...
Every labored breath brings a mix of deep throbbing and sharp staccatos of pain...
Every movement brings forth a symphony of daggers and clubbing blows...
It is a fight I cannot win and must not lose...
And though there are comrades at my back, both near and afar, it is a fight born out alone as the darkness looms around me...
Sometimes, such as I do now, I feel I cannot endure this war, but there is no retreat and there is no reprieve...
And so I persevere knowing that this hell will not last forever -- I just wish it would end.
I am in a dark place and the light of 'one day' no longer is there to give hope of the light.
But (and I know you should never start a paragraph with 'but' however at the moment I do not give a rodents rump for rules) I will never give up and I will win this struggle -- why? how? -- simple, I am a very stubborn, relentless, and optimistic hardheaded teddy bear!
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
On the bright side I am, as always, grateful for life.
I read a very sad article just a few days ago about a man who, like me, faced constant debilitating back pain. As I read that article I found myself empathizing with his emotional position.
Now to be clear, there are significant differences between me and the man in the article, but we will get to that later.
There is an incredible feeling of despair that can build up when you live with the kind of pain and suffering I live with everyday. I, like him, have periods where I contemplate my future and when looked at with unbiased eyes, I see the potential for becoming a significant burden to those around me. I would be propagating untruths if I did not say that this makes me very sad inside.
Furthermore, I think of the things I have hoped to do, 'one day', and see myself as precluded from those hopes ever coming to fruition and this deepens the sadness even further.
People who do not live with this kind of pain cannot possibly understand how dejected and unwanted it can make those of us who do live with it feel. I do not say this to diminish the sincerity of their sympathy, but there is a vast difference between sympathy and empathy and those who do not face day after day of intense and crippling pain simply cannot comprehend how this can accumulate like a toxin in our hearts and minds.
There is a saying we have all heard which is very applicable for those who struggle with intense chronic pain, "familiarity breeds contempt". Those who are close to those who wade through this life of pain are the most likely ones to fall into this trap. This is not to be seen as an indictment on those who live with us and are close to us, no matter their physical distance, but more as a waving flag of caution to help us avoid the pitfalls it can produce. For it can lead those who are around us the most to become desensitized to what we face and at the extreme, to make them ambivalent to it. It is just human nature. This can be very devastating to the ones living in the hell of chronic severe pain, because we then feel even more alone and dejected. This can lead to extreme consequences, as it did with the man in the article I referenced at the beginning of this extremely long monolog...he attempted to end his life.
This is where that poor tortured soul and I diverge. I have never seen, and hopefully never will see, ending my life as a viable option. Not because of any 'religious' or 'spiritual' taboos or their consequential implications, but for one reason and one reason only...I have too much to live for.
I love those whom I love too much to ever leave them with the sadness and destruction that suicide brings about. And this love is not based on the degree of love (real or perceived) that is returned in kind, but solely on what is in my heart.
I cannot live with the hopes of what may come about, 'one day' as an anchor for my life. Many things that I have hoped for, 'one day' now seem to no longer be on the table. These hopes are gone for reasons not controllable by me. They have drifted away and now seem to be clearly, never to be, based on what I currently see as their possibility.
However, for me, that changes nothing. I still have that love in my heart and that will never change. It is that love, for those I choose to love and for the life I have, pain included, that I will never step away from.
I am not the religious man I use to be, but that is not to say I am not still spiritual. There is a proverb that says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I have many longings...some I truly hope will one day be fulfilled and others that I have come to accept, based on their current state, are likely to never be. However, I will never lose that hope and never lose my love for this life.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I mean, really?!? Do they think me so hard up for friends that this kind of BS would just fly under the radar?!
That said, if it is a friend that suddenly has a need I can help with, no worries, I am so happy to help! However, if it becomes a pattern or worse yet, they are unresponsive to attempts to communicate until THEY have a need, then just k ow that the radar is going to be set off and the BS-meter engaged.