It is so hard to process...like trying to solve a critical equation without all the variables...I keep thinking there must be some answer...something that will make it make sense, but none is there...
How can I make sense of this? How can I make it fit into a box that I can deal with? But the truth is, when this happens to someone you know, there is no fitting it into a box or any way of truly grasping what they thought or felt or valued...it is the open wound that refuses to heal, the pain that can not be managed, the hurting scream that cannot be squelched.
I have lost a friend, or was it I who got lost and forgot to be your friend? A wise man told me, "Never underestimate the impact of a caring friend and the words they may speak." I didn't know how much pain you were in my friend...I didn't see where you were and how it was hurting you. There is a part of me that wonders if I could have done more...I am filled with such overwhelming sadness and it has no vent.
You will be missed...you will be morned...you will be thought of...you will be cried over...but most of all you will be remembered. Not for the events that were the end of your life, but for the person who was kind, gentle, caring, giving, mentoring, loving, passionate, determined, brilliant, and, most of all, a friend.
To say that I have been impacted by this is an understatement of epic proportions. I could never and would never be so presumptuous as to propose that I understand what was behind the action you felt you must take. I understand what it is to feel trapped and feel like there is no way out. I even know how it feels to believe you may have found the way out only to have the door shut in my face...the sadness and the dispare that comes from dreams shattered and hopes reduced to resignation.
I know how hard it has been for me to endure since then. To wear the face of optimism even as dispare screams it's primal rage from within. I know what it is to endure the constant barrage of pain and gut wrenching agony of physical distress, while wanting to still be a help to others.
I also know the loss, that overwhelming sense of aloneness, when those who you call friends fade from your life and leave you behind...but none of these helped me help you.
...I've lost a friend...farewell Bryan.